We all know someone who is always stressed, on edge, on the go, wound up real tight and never seems to be satisfied in the current moment. They are exhausting to the content person yet energizing to those like them.
I am that person. I am that person who is stressed if I’m not stressed because I worrying I have forgotten something. I am always uptight about something, usually cruelty to animals, unjust treatment for our fellow persons and don’t even get me going on captivity, GMO’s and why you should never trust the government.
I’m always wondering why am I here, what is my purpose? Surely this can’t be it. Why can’t this be it? Why can’t what I do be enough? Some nights I fight going to bed unless I am ready to fall asleep before my head hits the pillow. My internal self gets talking and I swear it doesn’t ever shut up.
I’m always questioning why I am not more. Why I am not this heroic person I feel I am destined to be or should be. Why am I just a simpleton?
Maybe I’m meant to be on a Sea Shepherd vessel fighting the anti-whaling wars. Maybe I’m meant to open and run a soup kitchen and help spread awareness for hunger and homelessness.
Maybe I should be out in a rescue vessel untangling whales that are wrapped in fishing gear and wouldn’t survive without our skills and dedication.
Maybe I should have a dog rescue for all the strong hard breeds, rehabilitate and rehome them.
Maybe I’m meant to be that 9-1-1 dispatcher who helps to saves lives everyday.
Maybe I’m meant to travel our Great Lakes and educate on how to clean up our shores, water and ultimately Eco-systems.
Maybe I am meant to live off the grid, entirely self sufficient and be an inspiration for others to move towards simplicity? (But off the grid means no AC? Oh decisions decisions).
Maybe I’m meant to have my own farm animals, green house and live more sufficiently, or at least enough that we aren’t dependent on grocery chains and all the manipulation that goes along with it.
Am I missing my cue here? Are one of these opportunities just waiting for me to take the plunge?
Why haven’t I abandon my lifestyle to chase a dream? There are so many ‘dream’ jobs I inspire to have, so many possibilities, but why aren’t any of them my reality?
Reality. I’m a mom. I was also a young single mom with my daughter which turned into surviving and getting to the next day. I’m a partner. I have a mortgage. I have pets and most recently 17 (soon to be 20) chickens have been added to my list. We own a small business which I swear makes us work longer days than if we were on someone else’s payroll. It is almost impossible to manage a get away for a long weekend vacation once a year, so of course these other ‘dream’ jobs feel like Tom Cruises Mission Impossible for me.
Flyp (stage name) is almost 16. He definitely needs both his parents hot on his tail and me off sailing the ocean rescuing whales just won’t cut it. However, children grow up, move out and become adults. So…is this when I’ll be the hero I feel I am meant to be?
There are so many things I tell myself I’m going to do when Flyp is an adult and I’m not feeling so compelled to be up his ass and parent him every day. But will I? Do I have the drive to go after a dream? Do I have the means? I know it just is not as simple as it is in books and movies. Mortgage has to always be paid, animals always have to be cared for and everything has to be attainable and sustainable. Some of these dreams, like opening a soup kitchen .. Wouldn’t require me out on the vast ocean, relocated or travel around Canada, instead I would be using my resources and connections at home plate. A dog rescue is always a possibility – except I’d have to deal with the bureaucratic bullshit of by-laws and being governed by so many regulations that I don’t support etc., traveling Great Lakes? Head to school to be a 9-1-1 caller? So maybe 50% of my dreams are attainable?
I tell myself I have a lot to look forward too and a lot of time ahead of me. I’m only 45 after all. But do I? Will I wait too long? Will tomorrow always be waiting for me?
Tomorrow isn’t a guarantee. Only yesterday is.