Category Archives: Death

I Waited My Whole Life ….

…for a girl like her. Today I mourn the loss of my canine soulmate. Cinder is my everything. She is more than I ever could ask a canine companion to be. She is a German Shepherd like no other I’ve ever had the chance to meet, and the best part is, her and I, we were one, for 6 wonderful years.

She is so incredibly intelligent, balanced, respectful, protective and kind. It’s her unconditional love that I will miss every day of my future life. She helped me show people that German Shepherds are not to be feared. She got camp grounds to remove their bans on German Sheps after meeting her and proving them wrong. She showed the fearful that she was a kind and gentle soul and would slather them in kisses to prove it! She even won over the haters!!


How we got to today.
Just over a year ago Cinder ruptured her ACL on her hind left leg. X-rays also revealed a partial tear of her right ACL. Surgery was upwards of $8-$10,000 and not a guarantee with a fairly long restricted recovery. We took an alternative route, a brace for her ruptured leg, cartrophen shots at the vet and some natural supplements.

Now, Miss Cinder can be a bit stubborn and it took us a few different styles of braces before we got one she would walk in while wearing. If you knew Cinder well, you’d know she spent most of her day roaming our 23 acres while on flock protection duty. Her brace wasn’t meant to be worn other than for ‘short designated’ walks. Well, I wasn’t telling them that this working dog stays at it most of the day … We were just going to figure out what would work.

We had already retired the ball and chuck-it as soon as the first ACL ruptured. She lived to find that ball after we buried it in the bush and we took the throwing of it away to help preserve her right leg and reduce her pain in the left. Every day she would get her ball and drop it at your feet and stare at you. Waiting. Not understanding. Eventually she’d take it and give up and roll all over it. The ultimate love of a toy. Now to tell her to stay put on her bed, she’d have to be in her dog crate/kennel locked up for that to happen. I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that to her. It’s not in her DNA. This is a German shepherd, the working and incredibly intelligent breed! My golden retriever would ask for that recommendation in writing so he can show me for the days I force him off his bed but Miss Cinder wouldn’t have any of that. She had a job to do.

The brace helped. It definitely did. However, it wears on her, and if worn too long she will bleed. We made some adjustments and got minimal use out of it before she would start to tug at it. She wanted freedom.


Most recently she completely ruptured her other ACL. These are very painful conditions. As far as pain goes, on a scale of 1-10 their pain can be as high as a 9. We were now dealing with 2 legs in excruciating pain. Every day.

I asked a lot of her to live with one ruptured ACL and the pain that goes along with that. She did it for me. She would do it longer and again if I asked her. She did it without even flinching in her personality for over a year. Her demeanour, kindness and loyalty never wavered. Not even once. I could not ask her to live with twice the pain for another year. She has served me and it is my turn to serve her, to finally release her from her pain.

It was such a heart wrenching, soul twisting decision to make. I paced the floor for days, knowing what the right thing to do was, but getting there took a lot for me to finally acknowledge I had to let go. To not ask her to hang on longer. I desperately wanted to, I was ready to beg her …she would. But it wouldn’t be fair.

I love her fiercely and I still can’t imagine my days without her. She’s my girl. We are a team. I still need her. Very much so. I’m not ready to let go. Six years is not long enough for such a beautiful soul. But I had to accept and I love her enough to release her from her pain. It couldn’t be about me any longer. I have been selfish long enough.

It’s been her and I for 6 years. It was her and I with her last heartbeat. I couldn’t imagine any other way. Her and I. Always. To the end.

I feel very alone in my grieving. No one loves her like I do and I know and felt her love each and every day. She would give her life for this family without hesitation. Such a huge loss. The loss of love to give, and the loss of love to receive.

I haven’t cried so very hard from the depths of my soul in such a long time. I was at her side until the last beat of her heart. Her last breath. I held her long after she was gone. I cried into her chest. The sadness is overwhelming. I hugged her and told her I was soooo sorry I kept her in pain for so long and she needed to be free now. I thanked her for her loyalty, devotion to our family and her immense love. I laid on the floor with her, hugging her until it didn’t feel like her anymore.

Such a tragedy. Cinder is gone. Forever.


Think Big. Think Dead.

Dead. Adjective: no longer alive.

Death. Noun: the action or act of dying or being killed; the end of life for a person or organism.

The other day Hubby and I were talking death. Not really even sure how we got on the topic actually. I probably threatened his life again over something like if he snorted or grunted one more time…(This guy is a noise factory). So being the sarcastic one I can be, I asked him how he’d like to go out and I’d consider his wishes. Haha! At least I’m willing to listen to the wish list.

So after we goofed around a bit he asked ‘what about you?’  Ba-Zinga! I explained (more like a rant) about refusing to spend money with my death. Silly hubby then asked ‘what do you mean?’

I’m not a believer or a belieber. (Haha sorry couldn’t resist). I’m Atheist. Every opportunity I get, I remind my Catholic hubby I’m Atheist and I still love him anyways.  I’m a proud Atheist and don’t hide behind anything or anyone and there are no beans about it! I’m a weird Atheist though. I believe we do have spirit beings around us and I love to watch Long Island Medium. Heaven? No. Hell? So manipulative and controlling, absolutely not!! I also don’t eat my children.  Weird right? It doesn’t matter to me if you believe in one or two Gods or pick one from the available buffet of Religions. Irrelevant to me. In return I expect my choices to not offend or matter. If it does offend/matter, I don’t lose any sleep over it because I can guarantee you, that my self worth today and tomorrow does not exist because I am accepted, or not, by the offended. I’m good with who I am. I have the capability to accept family and friends on who they are, how they treat themselves and others, not if or where they sit in church on Sunday. Sooo…back to death. Being an Atheist perhaps is a reason why I have such a different perspective on death compared to anyone I know, is my point.

I explained to Hubby for me when I’m dead, I’m dead. Done. Kaput. Cease to exist. Gonzo. There isn’t a heaven for me. Thankfully, there isn’t a hell for me either haha! I can not justify an expense for death. I just can’t. I told him if he dies he better have a note left with directions to an envelop somewhere with a stash of cash for the event he wants to have. I’m not paying for it. True love I’d say. What? At least I’m honest.

Here’s a summary of how our conversation went down.

I want to be cremated. A big dusty ashy mess. I’ve instructed Hubby to have a dispenser (cheap one. Its one time use) at our home with single serve cups. Whoever has ever wanted to throw me off a cliff at some point in my life, well here’s your chance!! Better get there early, quantities are limited. I literally want to be thrown off a cliff into the ocean. I don’t want a service. I don’t want a stone/spot or plot. Don’t ever do that to me. I don’t want to wear a dress or wear makeup. It’s just not me. On a good day I wear eyeliner and mascara, a pair of sweats that don’t have bleach splatters and holes in them and will have my sweat shirts not flipped inside out. (I hate tags and seams.) That’s it, that’s all. Don’t put that makeup crap all over my face and body. I don’t want to be embalmed and be all bloated. I’ve spent a period of time every month for the majority of my life bloated. F-off with the bloating. I don’t want people looking at me in a box all dead and bloated and lathered in makeup telling each other, wow, she looks good, just like herself. No. I won’t. If you must do something to make yourself feel better, go out and eat, have a backyard bbq or whatever works. Celebrate life, memories and reconnect with loved ones. I love the Mandarin, ribs, chicken wings and bread. I don’t like Mexican, but if you enjoy it, mow down! Go have fun! Or just do your own thing. I’m dead. I won’t judge.

Then we got to my financial reasons for not wanting the funeral service in the death industry, better known as the death care industry. I don’t want to add to the already inflated very wealthy industry. I will go out on a limb here and say it’s a form of extortion. (Don’t get your knickers in a knot – see disclaimer in ‘all about me’) Individuals get rich off the loss of our loved ones.  Gross.  People are getting rich because people die. Just so awkward for me.  People can be vulnerable when they lose loved ones. Vulnerable. Especially if it’s unexpected. They can feel obligated to do more than they can afford … Or want to afford. It’s just a box with me, a bloated dead person in it with silk that I couldn’t afford when I was alive on my own bed, in a house that isn’t mine, with a final car ride that has silly curtains (because no one knows there’s a dead person hitching a ride back there.  Don’t peek!) which drives way too slow. Why do they drive so slow anyway? Someone told me its respectful. Ok, if you say so.

Summary: $8,000 – $10,000 is legalized extortion.

I also simply don’t see the point.  Lives often are turned upsides down and forever changed for someone who has lost a loved one close to them.  It’s unsettling losing a loved one, stressful, with an insane amount of sadness and it’s linked to a big expense. It just feels all wrong.  Why do we have to prolong the event with multiple viewings and a long tearful, sad service? Nah, not me. Get’er done and over with. I’m dead for crying out loud!! If you don’t spend $10,000 on me when I’m alive and I get to appreciate it, don’t bother when I’m dead. Should of sent me those overly expensive flowers when I was I could of enjoy them.  See my point here?

So hubby, like usual, thinks I have a few bolts loose.  He just kept shaking his head and said ‘you had better put that in writing because no one in their right mind will believe me if I say it is how you want it.’ He’s probably wrong, like usual, but there it is.  In writing.

Here are some very interesting facts about the death care industry I found on the Internet.

1. The projected revenue of the funeral industry in America is projected to be $16.2 billion in 2014.

BILLION … Spent on death! I just can’t process this.  $16.2 billion dollars.  Wow.

2. The median price for a funeral in 2011 was $7,045, up from $708 in 1960. In that same time, the number of Americans choosing cremation has grown from 3.56% to 42%.

Gee, I wonder why cremation as increased.  Maybe I’m not the only whack job out there with this point of view.  $700 to over $7,000.

Someone’s getting rich and it isn’t the dead people!

Thanks for reading!!