Tag Archives: Joke

Hot For Your Tamales!!

Oh sometimes Einstein cracks me up. His sense of humour is challenging on the best of days, but sometimes he can make me giggle a little bit.

His humour is off the wall. Like I seriously think something is wrong with him most days. Too many glue sniffing challenges as a teenager? Too many wooden spoons to the head by his mother as a child? What makes someone so out there with humour that it actually has the ability to annoy me. That’s the absolute furthest from funny you can get.  That’s my Einstein.

He’ll say something to Flyp and it literally stops me in my tracks because it’s so out there, I’ll try to process it and search far and wide for a tinge of funny in it, yet both Flyp and Einstein are falling over laughing. It’s just not funny. No. But to them it’s hilarious and they’re hysterical with laughter and zing-backs to keep it a long lived joke going and going.  This happens daily with these two. I’m pretty sure they are the only two who can relate and be amused at this style of humour.

This might be over sharing but here goes anyways. Einstein and I have been together for approx. 18 years.  i can honestly say it has never been about how he makes me laugh or how we lay around and laugh at the same movies or tv shows.  We are complete opposites in that department.  His sense humour has never been on the ‘pros’ side of the chart for me.  Einstein does get bonus points for keeping the teenager laughing though.  I know I couldn’t keep the humour flowing because that is way too complex for me … Or so I’ve been told. 😳

Last night we were laying in bed watching Nurse Jackie. (Haven’t seen it? Get on it!) Einstein was rubbing my hips (oh the pain) but then it was my turn to rub his legs; They always bug him. So off the wall I said “its a good thing I still lust for you” as I put more lavender on his legs.

He responds with a cheeky ‘oh Ya? Why’s that?”

So then I went into all the reasons why he’s a pain in my ass and frustrates me daily and his family drives me around the bend, all told with my sarcastic but exaggerated factual tone etc,. He just nods. He knows the truth is in there. Then he flips me over and says ‘well it’s a good thing I’m still hot for your tamales.’

Well I just busted a gut. That just cracked me right up!! A laugh I definitely needed and a rare gift from his humour that’s for sure.

Bam!! Gift #2!!

Today we were talking about some grading that needs to get done here at home – as we are under water from this rainfall today. To boot, the worst of it is yet to hit the ground. Anyways. We have a lot of mosquitos. I mean a lot. Insane amount. There are so many you can become some crazed freak when they zip around your ears and buzz loudly like they are the size of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. We are 23 acres here with approx. 20-21 acres of it being all trees and bush. The acreage is a registered marshland and can I just tell you what that means for mosquitos?! It’s a 5 star rated resort for the biting pests, that’s what it is.

So Einstein said he needs to put in weeping tile and get it all drained to the ditch at the end. He follows that with “I’ll need to put on my snowmobile suit to deal with the mis-cots” (what he calls mosquitos). Again, the visual had me giggling because there are some things a grown man with a bit of a belly shouldn’t wear and that is a one peace snow suit. Never. Ever. And to wear it in the heat of the summer in defence from our crazy mosquito population is just too much of a visual without letting out a laugh.

Well done Einstein. Two laughs in 24 hours from your whacked out humour. It’s more than the total in 2014!!

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Holy Sh*t, It Smells Like Sh*t

On a warm spring day, instinctively we like to open the windows and let the fresh air rinse out our homes from the long cold winter. The birds are chirping, amphibians are croaking, nature fills our homes with the beautiful sounds of spring, along with the lovely scent of SHIT!!! That’s right; Shit is everywhere!! Ahhh the joys of living in the country.

For the city or suburban folk, spring represents fresh air, open windows with curtains fluffing in the warm breeze, daffodils and tulips in bloom and the walking/biking paths free of snow banks and ice, a friendly wave to a neighbour you haven’t seen since the first frost last fall and the needle on the thermometer is up in the double digits. Rain is a welcomed precipitation as it is nourishment for our blooms and blossoms to be and we know spring is a time when babies of most species are born. Spring always feels bright, warm and bountiful after a long deep freeze in our Canadian winters. Everyone seems to be energized by the warmer temperatures after their deepened winter sleep with much anticipation for the summer ahead, at least until the unbearable humidity and the heat slaps us around by mid July until early September.

It seems like spring is upon us for only one day and suddenrly the streets are full of people out getting exercise, older folks enjoying a tea on their front porch, children riding bikes and homeowners raking up the rest of last falls leaf deposits from their freshly greening perfect weed free square lawns. Let the competition begin. (Who has the greener lawn).

For us country folk, it’s a season of shit, pesticides and herbicides, road kill, tractors causing slow downs on thorough roads and lots of babies being born everywhere. We live in the country, fairly remote actually, and we are surrounded by farm fields everywhere. Spring is a time when farmers flip the dirt in their fields with monster computerized machines preparing the soil for the upcoming planting season, usually just a few days away. The terrible part of this field preparation is the shit spraying. Literally spraying. Stinky gut gagging shit is spewing out of a machine in every direction all over the fields.

The odour is heavy and thick and some days you are willing to testify under oath that you are actually tasting it and not just smelling it. The worst experience to date for me was being stuck behind a shit spreader on one of our main roads with no passing ability. It was so bad, I started gagging and had to pull over to throw up. Obviously that pile of shit had been fermenting in a shit pit (literally a shit pit is what is used on farms) all winter into the perfect recipe to be spread on the fields. In order to stop the contents from my stomach from leaving all over the side of the road, I had to turn around and go a different way.

I often ask friends once I hit the city if I smell like cow or chicken shit. How can I not? I envision shit fibres weaving into my clothing fibres and I become paranoid and think everyone is checking the bottom of their shoes to see who stepped in crap.  Don’t be alarmed folks it’s just me, passing the shit fields on my way to civilization. Seriously, it’s so thick in my sinuses it’s amazing to me that no one else can smell my neighbourhood off of me! I’d love to hang some laundry outside, like our bed sheets, to dry, but it would be like snuggling up to a cows asshole. No thank you!!

All around our home, I’m fortunate to watch our hibernators wake from their long winter sleep and I get to watch many different species of babies grow up. I feel like I know all the birds, deer, horses, cows, goats, alpacas and llamas as I’ve watch them grow up over the seasons. I am very fortunate to experience all of this and if it means I have to smell shit for a few weeks of each spring to enjoy all of natures wealth, then I can suck it up again, for another season.

Spring is definitely here and holy shit, it smells like shit!!!

How To Kidnap My Children

Dear Kidnapper,

As you now know both my kids talk a LOT.  You will likely return them at any moment due to their inability to know when to stop talking.  Let me take this moment to thank you for feeding them dinner.  I’ve probably been a little bit stressed due to their sudden disappearance and haven’t had time to make dinner yet, being preoccupied with the police and all, so you picking up the slack has taken a big load off.

If there is any left over pizza….oh never mind.  It’s probably cold by now.

Cheers,

Their Mom

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A Bakers Dozen Of Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Humans

1. They never tell all your secrets to anyone, not even a fur-sibling.

2. They never complain when they eat the same thing for a decade.

3. They are ALWAYS happy to see you. 2 minutes or 2 weeks, the party for your return is always the best day of their life!

4. They know how to be there for you … Silently at your side.

5. They always forgive. Always.

6. You don’t have to pay to send them to college/university and you don’t have to worry about them getting hooked on crack while at college.

7. They don’t keep a messy room like the human teenagers.

8. They keep you company while you’re sick, sad, angry or annoyed with the world. (which is often all at once for me)

9. They are always willing to finish your dinner for you when you can’t.

10. They don’t want all their friends to sleep over every weekend.

11. They will always stand up for you, even if you don’t want/need them too.

12. Who needs a door bell when you have a built in dog.

13. And the best reason of all…. TRUE Unconditional love like no other!!!