Tag Archives: Laugh

Hot For Your Tamales!!

Oh sometimes Einstein cracks me up. His sense of humour is challenging on the best of days, but sometimes he can make me giggle a little bit.

His humour is off the wall. Like I seriously think something is wrong with him most days. Too many glue sniffing challenges as a teenager? Too many wooden spoons to the head by his mother as a child? What makes someone so out there with humour that it actually has the ability to annoy me. That’s the absolute furthest from funny you can get.  That’s my Einstein.

He’ll say something to Flyp and it literally stops me in my tracks because it’s so out there, I’ll try to process it and search far and wide for a tinge of funny in it, yet both Flyp and Einstein are falling over laughing. It’s just not funny. No. But to them it’s hilarious and they’re hysterical with laughter and zing-backs to keep it a long lived joke going and going.  This happens daily with these two. I’m pretty sure they are the only two who can relate and be amused at this style of humour.

This might be over sharing but here goes anyways. Einstein and I have been together for approx. 18 years.  i can honestly say it has never been about how he makes me laugh or how we lay around and laugh at the same movies or tv shows.  We are complete opposites in that department.  His sense humour has never been on the ‘pros’ side of the chart for me.  Einstein does get bonus points for keeping the teenager laughing though.  I know I couldn’t keep the humour flowing because that is way too complex for me … Or so I’ve been told. 😳

Last night we were laying in bed watching Nurse Jackie. (Haven’t seen it? Get on it!) Einstein was rubbing my hips (oh the pain) but then it was my turn to rub his legs; They always bug him. So off the wall I said “its a good thing I still lust for you” as I put more lavender on his legs.

He responds with a cheeky ‘oh Ya? Why’s that?”

So then I went into all the reasons why he’s a pain in my ass and frustrates me daily and his family drives me around the bend, all told with my sarcastic but exaggerated factual tone etc,. He just nods. He knows the truth is in there. Then he flips me over and says ‘well it’s a good thing I’m still hot for your tamales.’

Well I just busted a gut. That just cracked me right up!! A laugh I definitely needed and a rare gift from his humour that’s for sure.

Bam!! Gift #2!!

Today we were talking about some grading that needs to get done here at home – as we are under water from this rainfall today. To boot, the worst of it is yet to hit the ground. Anyways. We have a lot of mosquitos. I mean a lot. Insane amount. There are so many you can become some crazed freak when they zip around your ears and buzz loudly like they are the size of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. We are 23 acres here with approx. 20-21 acres of it being all trees and bush. The acreage is a registered marshland and can I just tell you what that means for mosquitos?! It’s a 5 star rated resort for the biting pests, that’s what it is.

So Einstein said he needs to put in weeping tile and get it all drained to the ditch at the end. He follows that with “I’ll need to put on my snowmobile suit to deal with the mis-cots” (what he calls mosquitos). Again, the visual had me giggling because there are some things a grown man with a bit of a belly shouldn’t wear and that is a one peace snow suit. Never. Ever. And to wear it in the heat of the summer in defence from our crazy mosquito population is just too much of a visual without letting out a laugh.

Well done Einstein. Two laughs in 24 hours from your whacked out humour. It’s more than the total in 2014!!

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**CAUTION** Extreme Cuteness Inside This Blog

Well, today finally arrived and I picked up my day old ducklings. We opened the box at the feed store because the manager and I couldn’t wait to see the little fuzzy ducklings. OMG! Sooooo cute.

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I read that they get to know your voice very quickly so I talked to them all the way home. I’m not even sure what I rambled on about but it was the whole 30 minute drive home.

When we got home I took them to their indoor temporary home; the bathroom on the upper level that we don’t use (too many for me to keep on top of). I took them out of the box and put them under the heat lamp and counted. 1, 2, 3 ……… Again an extra duckling, just like an extra chick in my order. Eleven ducklings. I ordered ten. I guess they don’t have much faith in my capabilities as a flock mommy. Challenge accepted!!

I did enquire about these extra birds, just out of curiosity. They said its standard to put an extra in with young orders as it is ‘common’ to loose a bird because shipping and the transition is a lot for them. I can see that whole stress causing death issue and I think I appreciate the extra buffer… Especially when I don’t lose any to stress and relocation and its a free flock member.

Unfortunately, I do have a little sweet duckling that is weaker than the rest but I’m hoping he can pull through. I make sure he gets to the food and the water and gets his opportunity at life just like all the others. I’m definitely hoping he gets his strength up and can hold is own.

When I got them all sorted and unpacked I gave them a big bowl of water to clean their nostrils and have a drink. It took about 3 seconds for bath time to take place. They are so young, they wobble and weeble and sometimes they fall down but give them water and its a party!!! These little dudes are M E S S Y!!

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Here’s the link to a video of their first bath:      https://youtu.be/pPmtTMbr7jA  (just ignore Flyp & Einteins convo in the back ground – I don’t know how to edit it out.)  and if you listen to the conversation towards the end of Einsteins questions, you’ll understand why I am in charge of the flock and also wonder wHy I call him Einstein.

Shakin’ Tail Feathers, Queen & A Few Names

Ok, so I finally actually KNOW what it means to shake your tail feathers, visually. Growing up I heard that expression much more often than today, but I never really saw a tail feather in action before.

My older girls (9 week olds) give a good booty shake and it cracks me up. It really is shaking their tail feathers! So now that I’m 45 I can say ahhh I get it!!

Sometimes I’m a bit slow, even stalled to ‘get it’ on certain things. I was in my mid 30’s when my teenage daughter pointed out the relationship between the group ‘Queens’ name and ‘Freddy Mercury’. What an Ahhhh HA! Moment that was. LOL! I can’t believe I’m admitting that in writing.

So, I’ve got a few names going on in the flock. I know I know, don’t name your children if you plan to roast them for dinner. I can’t help it, some have these personalities that demand a label.

As you know we have The Fonze, Fonzie my little rooster dude.
Miss Molly is a Plymouth Rock and she has been diagnosed by the flock doctor (me) with ADD with a tinge of extra ADD. She is the smallest of the Plymouth Rocks (older ladies) and is surprisingly the bossiest to the younger gang.

We have the mother hen of the plymouth rocks – she is clearly the ruler of the group. I call her Laverne. Her side kick is called Shirley.

Then we have the smallest of the younger group and I call her Chicken Little. She looks like a ragged mess all the time. Feathers everywhere, often on her own and left out and just a typical runt.

The latest name acquired by the flock, is Dash, inspired by the movie The Incredibles. This girl is from the younger group also, and she literally runs all day. Most of them walk here and there and some times may run, but this one…she dashes everywhere and I can honestly say I haven’t seen her walk yet.

Summary: I have 6 chickens named. 11 unnamed.

Tuesday the day old ducklings arrive. Ten of them!! Excuse me while I do a few twists and giddy laughs and jumps for hooray!! I can’t wait for these little ones to get here. Longest weekend ever ahead of me. I will have 10 more flock members to find names for. September I also have 5 Plymouth Rock pullets (females) arriving and 1 Plymouth Rock cockerel (rooster) arriving and they will be 6 weeks old in September.

Reminds me of a tv show I used to watch. Full House.

WTF Websters!

Personally, I’ve never looked at Websters the same, ever since ‘Bootylicious’ became a part of our official language. I figured with the addition of Bootylicious, well, I hoped someone had an off day and that word added would be the worst of it. Boy! Was I clearly wrong. It has only gotten worse over the years.

Webster, so graciously, has announced their new word additions for the dictionary in 2015. When I think of words ‘officially’ added to our English dictionary, aka a reference for the snobbish English language along with clarification for its use and a definition of its meanings, I don’t expect to find WTF in there. Seriously, I really don’t. Hmmm, I’m feeling a bit sarcastic today.

Just a few of the words added this year are:

Jeggings – lets just visualize jeans and leggings had a baby. Pants that fit like leggings and look like jeans. Clearly not everyone is meant to wear jeggings….I’m on that banned list so I can say that without everyone signing up a petition to have my blog removed. Pfffft. Get over it!

WTF – what the fuck. Anyone not know that?

NSFW – not safe for work (new to me) (I’m debating on a door sign for my office)

Photobomb – a joke or prank in the frame of a photograph – photographer unaware.

Twerk – sexually suggestive dancing such as excessive hip thrusts, shaking of butt all while in a squat position. The reason why foam fingers/hands should no longer be for sale.

My mini rant.
Really Websters? That’s the best you have for 2015?? Shameful. People say N*gga all the time Webster, I double dare you!! Screw the weak like Twerk and WTF, be bold, add N*gga. If you’re going to make a blooming mess of the language, go all balls out I say!!  Apparently you have removed boundaries from the English language because you aren’t exercising any!!

So. This all translates to me, that when my son, a high school student, hands in his english paper or any written paper it can say WTF, Twerk and hopefully before he graduates he can even add N*gga!.

Of course his mother will back him with all the sarcastic justification I can drum up, because after all, it is in the all mighty(less) dictionary. I’ll be sure to advise him of his rights and all ensure he uses the Merriam Webster Dictionary as his reference source.

So, in an attempt to clean up the words being added to our official english language, I’ve chosen a few words that I may or may not use a lot. (You’ll understand when you see #3!)

1. Fantabulous – a combination of fabulous and fantastic. It’s just soooo good not one of those words is enough, we need both! Therefore we have fantabulous!

2. Defecanism – one word to describe a defective mechanism. This one’s compliments of Flyp.

And my personal favourite ….
3. Gunt – A cross between the words “gut” and “cunt”. Meant to describe the mass of flesh that hangs down over a females crotch area and upper thighs. Thank you urban dictionary for that definition (that I had to clean it up for everyone’s reading pleasure).

And my not so clean addition – I have an acronym I’d like added for the people who piss me and you off..

FU – also know as Fuck You. It’s always better received when followed by exclamation marks. The more the better.

Sometimes I like to personalize that acronym and it becomes FUA ‘fuck you asshole’, or FUM, ‘fuck you moron’ and as you can imagine the list goes on. If I’m real angry it can become FUMF. You’ll figure it out.

At this point in the game, I’m convinced someone is sitting in an overly large glass office, looking out from their sky scraper office laughing their ass off while they add all this BS (oh look at that Websters…another acronym) to our English language and how we just sit there and say oh ok, thanks for that new ones Websters.

What’s next? Really. Who knows. It’s anyone guess, much like it has been since Bootylicious became an official word. However, the day they decide to add ‘MILF’ as an appropriate acronym to the english language, will be the same day they see feminists redefine the dictionary!

Holy Sh*t, It Smells Like Sh*t

On a warm spring day, instinctively we like to open the windows and let the fresh air rinse out our homes from the long cold winter. The birds are chirping, amphibians are croaking, nature fills our homes with the beautiful sounds of spring, along with the lovely scent of SHIT!!! That’s right; Shit is everywhere!! Ahhh the joys of living in the country.

For the city or suburban folk, spring represents fresh air, open windows with curtains fluffing in the warm breeze, daffodils and tulips in bloom and the walking/biking paths free of snow banks and ice, a friendly wave to a neighbour you haven’t seen since the first frost last fall and the needle on the thermometer is up in the double digits. Rain is a welcomed precipitation as it is nourishment for our blooms and blossoms to be and we know spring is a time when babies of most species are born. Spring always feels bright, warm and bountiful after a long deep freeze in our Canadian winters. Everyone seems to be energized by the warmer temperatures after their deepened winter sleep with much anticipation for the summer ahead, at least until the unbearable humidity and the heat slaps us around by mid July until early September.

It seems like spring is upon us for only one day and suddenrly the streets are full of people out getting exercise, older folks enjoying a tea on their front porch, children riding bikes and homeowners raking up the rest of last falls leaf deposits from their freshly greening perfect weed free square lawns. Let the competition begin. (Who has the greener lawn).

For us country folk, it’s a season of shit, pesticides and herbicides, road kill, tractors causing slow downs on thorough roads and lots of babies being born everywhere. We live in the country, fairly remote actually, and we are surrounded by farm fields everywhere. Spring is a time when farmers flip the dirt in their fields with monster computerized machines preparing the soil for the upcoming planting season, usually just a few days away. The terrible part of this field preparation is the shit spraying. Literally spraying. Stinky gut gagging shit is spewing out of a machine in every direction all over the fields.

The odour is heavy and thick and some days you are willing to testify under oath that you are actually tasting it and not just smelling it. The worst experience to date for me was being stuck behind a shit spreader on one of our main roads with no passing ability. It was so bad, I started gagging and had to pull over to throw up. Obviously that pile of shit had been fermenting in a shit pit (literally a shit pit is what is used on farms) all winter into the perfect recipe to be spread on the fields. In order to stop the contents from my stomach from leaving all over the side of the road, I had to turn around and go a different way.

I often ask friends once I hit the city if I smell like cow or chicken shit. How can I not? I envision shit fibres weaving into my clothing fibres and I become paranoid and think everyone is checking the bottom of their shoes to see who stepped in crap.  Don’t be alarmed folks it’s just me, passing the shit fields on my way to civilization. Seriously, it’s so thick in my sinuses it’s amazing to me that no one else can smell my neighbourhood off of me! I’d love to hang some laundry outside, like our bed sheets, to dry, but it would be like snuggling up to a cows asshole. No thank you!!

All around our home, I’m fortunate to watch our hibernators wake from their long winter sleep and I get to watch many different species of babies grow up. I feel like I know all the birds, deer, horses, cows, goats, alpacas and llamas as I’ve watch them grow up over the seasons. I am very fortunate to experience all of this and if it means I have to smell shit for a few weeks of each spring to enjoy all of natures wealth, then I can suck it up again, for another season.

Spring is definitely here and holy shit, it smells like shit!!!

How To Kidnap My Children

Dear Kidnapper,

As you now know both my kids talk a LOT.  You will likely return them at any moment due to their inability to know when to stop talking.  Let me take this moment to thank you for feeding them dinner.  I’ve probably been a little bit stressed due to their sudden disappearance and haven’t had time to make dinner yet, being preoccupied with the police and all, so you picking up the slack has taken a big load off.

If there is any left over pizza….oh never mind.  It’s probably cold by now.

Cheers,

Their Mom

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Day 3 of Juicing. Part 2; Baguette Beating.

What is wrong with the friggin world?! Didn’t they get the memo about me juicing and they should take all their drive thrus, fast food joints and pizza bars to the next city over?

I had an errand to run in a different city from where I normally grocery shop, but needed produce anyways for this dumb juicing idea I had. Getting through the grocery store with my few items for Flyp and Einsteins lunches for the week, and only my juicing items was a strenuous, bullet to my head, CHORE.

All the bakery items look so good. An employee was rolling out a new batch of warm croissants to put out and as she walked past me, I stood still (creepy to others I’m sure) and turned to suck in all of the (fake) buttery scent I could. It smells so good. I took my depressed hungry ass past the rotisserie chicken (even though it’s gross and I never eat it from there. Ever!) my mouth is watering, I can smell the plump juicy meat and know it would satisfy me better than sex right now. Sorry Einstein, unless you taste and smell like chicken and croissants you just can’t compete today.

Around the corner of the next isle, the lady is handing out samples of a new cheese (meh, I don’t care too much for cheese) but the fresh baguette she was putting it on is a different story. I had visions of beating her with the dozen baguette sticks she had there and smashing the cheese in her face and while I was walking away satisfied, I’d whisper ‘juice that bitch.’ Me and hungry don’t get along, can you tell? The worst part is I know it all tastes so delicious. It was time to hurry up and get the hell out of the store.

Man I’m T.H.E. champion. I manage to leave with my juicing commitment in tack and no one hurt. Pretty sure that’s my biggest accomplishment to date.

BUT…

As I’m pushing my cart out the door to the parking lot with $90 worth of produce for a few days of juicing I look forward. (Keep in mind I always park in the back to get those extra steps in). Crack cocaine is cheaper than juicing. What the F is wrong with this world? Seriously, I shit you not! I could be a drug addict for cheaper. Anyways, back to my cart pushing …. This is what I see. Choices. I see choices of what to cheat with.

– Baskin Robbins
– Wendy’s
– Starbucks
– Subway
– Swiss Chalet
– Tim Hortons (I don’t do Tims so that doesn’t phase me)
– The Keg
– Montana’s
– Some smoke house advertising cheap crispy luscious sauce lathered wings and ribs.

All while I’m pushing a cart full of plants and freaking starving. Can I just tell you how gooooood a smoke house smells? Omg. I checked for a pulse, this atheist thought she had died and went to heaven.

I cheated. Although I only slightly cheated, I still did cheat. I ripped 2 celery arms off and chewed on them like a cowboy chewing on tobacco. I drove out of the massive big block mall parking lot like I just lit all the restaurants on fire to burn to the ground. Right to the ground!! After I was driving like I was on a mission for the CIA, I couldn’t figure out what the Bing Bing Bing annoying noise was. Oh crap! I forgot to put my seatbelt on. I was so focused on not eating anything in sight and chomping on my dirty celery, that I didn’t hear my reminder Bing for my seatbelt and didn’t notice it for some time. That’s an act of desperation if I ever saw one.

I must be feeling better because I am starving!!!! Being light headed seems to be an issue also with juicing. I am also yawning a lot. I never noticed if I yawned before, but today I noticed I yawn a lot. I was in a meeting and kept yawning…very unlike me.

I ordered a new scale from Amazon.ca. If it doesn’t tell me what I want, someone is going to experienced being beaten with a brick of cheese while I eat the baguettes.

A Bakers Dozen Of Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Humans

1. They never tell all your secrets to anyone, not even a fur-sibling.

2. They never complain when they eat the same thing for a decade.

3. They are ALWAYS happy to see you. 2 minutes or 2 weeks, the party for your return is always the best day of their life!

4. They know how to be there for you … Silently at your side.

5. They always forgive. Always.

6. You don’t have to pay to send them to college/university and you don’t have to worry about them getting hooked on crack while at college.

7. They don’t keep a messy room like the human teenagers.

8. They keep you company while you’re sick, sad, angry or annoyed with the world. (which is often all at once for me)

9. They are always willing to finish your dinner for you when you can’t.

10. They don’t want all their friends to sleep over every weekend.

11. They will always stand up for you, even if you don’t want/need them too.

12. Who needs a door bell when you have a built in dog.

13. And the best reason of all…. TRUE Unconditional love like no other!!!

A Personal Cleanse

There are times in our lives when we need to clean house, reorganize life’s closets, and take the trash to the curb. Personally.

We all have or have had vampires in our lives. People who suck the life out of us, leave us feeling drained after a visit. If I’m drained from laughter, shared tears and good times you’re a keeper and I’ll fight to keep you! If I’m drained from your toxic negative energy, judgment and hatred towards others, you need to go.

I have people in my life that bring a dark heavy cloud with each encounter and leave it hanging over me for days. When I dread the visit or have to convince myself to participate in ‘those’ relationships, why do I do it? I’m not sure why I ever get to the point of inviting and tolerating negativity into my life, but I seem to have it perhaps more often than others?. However, when I look back, I realize that people typically don’t present a negative persona when first building a new relationship, it’s all rainbows and butterflies.

We all go through hard times and struggle to find a positive buoy to stay afloat. This is what friends and family are for; To throw you a buoy, support you and help you get back on track. But that’s not the negativity I am referring too. I’m talking about detrimental hatred, judgement and self-promoted superiority over another culture, race and/or ethnicity, or of ones sexual preference, promotes racism and/or segregation. Those behaviours are hate crimes.  Punishable by law.

Friendships need to have a positive foundation with respect for each other. Also, I’m learning in life, complete opposite views on the religion aspect is very hard to maintain in a respectful manner. My cousin once told me that she can’t be friends with deeply religious people as the distance is too far for a connection. I told her I didn’t choose friends based on their lack of or their religious choices, that I don’t judge and I try to always see that person for who they are, not where or if they sit in church on Sunday. I am now seeing her perspective and can ‘hear’ what she was saying.

I’m not talking about Einstein, he would fall under a different category. Not that Einstein is exempt from my guidelines, ever, but it’s a different relationship with him in comparison to other family and friends who live externally to our home.

Through counselling a scaled ruler concept was introduced to me. A ruler was held in front of me. The concept explained and then we took some time to write on the ruler at key points what that relationship number best represented. It is my absolute best coping skill I’ve ever had and has given me an abundance of guidance for relationships. On a scale of 1-10, I position each person I have a relationship with on a personal level (we aren’t talker co-workers or that stuff), how close to my personal space they are, which ultimately influences how much they can and will affect me. Ten would mean you could crush and devastate me, zero means who are you again? Zero is a place where someone may visually exist within groups of friends or family, but they have no say in my life and I don’t converse with them or speak of them in any manner. Zero can also mean that person isn’t even a visual to me, which means they aren’t in my life on any aspect. Their attendance would exclude me. There is no sharing space. No exceptions. Their existence, for me, is nil. Someone at a level of 10 has my utmost respect and trust and I know I am 100% secure and safe with them. There aren’t 10’s in my life but I have 2 persons in the 8-9 range with the majority in my life being between 3-6, with some up and down from that of course. I also have the control to slide people up or down on the scale based on the relationship we have. It really has been instrumental in my capability to take good care of myself emotionally, something I wasn’t always good at.

We all use the ruler concept at some point in our lives, most just don’t call it a scale or ruler.  For instance, I don’t say you’re dead to me, I say you’re a zero.  I don’t say i trust you with my life, I say you’re a ten.  I don’t say I hate you and wish a garbage truck runs you over, I say you’re a zero.  I don’t say I love you more than life itself (really? Does that ever happen?) I say you’re a ten.

Lately I have fallen off the band wagon and gotten all wrapped up in bullshit, negativity, coupled with the overwhelming need to save the world from itself, at my own personal expense. After Flyp asked if I was ok one day, because ‘I’ve been extra quiet’ (which really translates to grumpy) and more anti-social than normal, it triggered me to take a look at what’s going on. Really? Have I gone down that path I work so hard to avoid? Time to take a look at what’s been going on lately. So I did.

After much journalizing and all my considerations in order, I have all my reorganizing sorted and implemented as of 3am this morning. Like Flyp said, I’ve been extra grumpy, dark and cloudy, everything has a problem and not being able to see a solution, has left me feeling like I’m fighting a fight, ultimately with myself. That’s not the most productive thing I’ve done in my life lately. I’ve stayed in some relationships much longer than I should of, I don’t always walk away that easily and usually like to feel I have given my all, but ultimately it was time to wrap it up and make a few adjustments.  I have to re-stand up for myself, stay focused, get back on track for being my best possible me.

Today, people have moved up, down and I have 1 that has been placed at zero.  Once all the decisions were made it all felt right. There isn’t any hellos or goodbyes, it just takes place. For me.

I wish for everyone an inner sanctuary; Where we can really love who we are and be our absolute best, free of anyone else’s dark clouds.

I have accomplished my personal cleanse and my closets are organized and cleaned.  It feels GREAT!!

Rocking The Cool Boat

Saturday I was busy racking up bonus points to win mother of the year award. (I usually operate in the negative but this brought me closer to a positive point system)

Auto Show. Fifteen year old son. Need I say more?

Once I got over the fear of a horrible germ death when this elderly man was hacking up a storm sitting ACROSS from my on the Go Train, telling myself repetitively I can double up on oregano when I get home to kill all the germs I was forced to inhaled, I was able to relax and settle in for a long day.

I went with absolutely no time agenda. We could of stayed until they shut the lights off and it would of been fine with me. We did a complete round then a second round to revisit the favourites. It’s a huge facility and more people than I’d like to come into contact with in my lifetime. But Saturday wasn’t about me. It was about my little man being in his element and knowing more about Cummings Diesel engines then some of the young sales reps; it was about him showing me shocks and engine sizes and towing capacity. I love it.

He didn’t work that day (he’s a work-a-holic in the making) with his Dad (we have our own small construction company) and he typically works every weekend and after school. I talk to him, often, about being his age and doing age appropriate things. He prefers to always work, works his energy off (ADHD) and keeps him on the straight and narrow. He’s a busy young man. A very disciplined 15 year old who is appreciated and respected on job sites. I do worry that when he is 30 he’s going to wonder where his youth went. I’m glad we went together. I got to see him be 15. Best part of my day? All of it. Even if I had to be hacked all over by the General public.

Weird he takes his mom to this stuff? Nope. Not at all. This mom rocks the cool boat!